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Alrighty so we have Gwen Stefani as a musical guest coach this week. Now Miss Gwen LOOKED good, but was it me, or were her coaching tips about as informative as reading an owner's manual in Chinese, and about as stimulating as a jacuzzi in the middle of a power outage?

At any rate, bring on the big girls and the big hair for

IDOL'S TOP TEN: HOLLA BACK GIRLS

1) LaKISHA - She performed "Last Dance". My favorite Donna Summer song. AND STILL she doesn't excite me! I finally figured out why she doesn't grab me. Her vibrato is so forced at times, LaKisha sounds as if she swallowed her vibrator along with the side of mutton she inhaled right before showtime. And her personality during post-song critiques is completely non-existent. Boring! SCORE: 80.

2) CHRIS SLIGH - Perhaps "Every Little Thing SHE Does Is Magic", but we cannot say the same for Chris Sligh, who seems disenchanted playing third fiddle to the boy-bandy hotties (Blake, Chris R) and the mysteries of Sanjaya's hair. Chris Sligh turned in his absolute worst performance to date. As the judges said he was all over the place with his timing... well everywhere except where he needed to be... because this song was literally a trainwreck. Yes, he can sing notes well, but part of the job is singing with your band, and for this he fell flat on his fat face. Maybe he was just winded from all that exercise of carrying that mic stand around with him? He admits he has no rhythm and he admits he was out of his league singing The Police, why doesn't he just admit that he also can't dress and is a huge honkin bore, and just leave the competition now. Because there's no way he can win, in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they bounced him. Also, his smarmy sarcasm during the pre-song interview when answering the fan question... you know when he chuckled that he crochets and knits and plays the bongos... that was plain rude and as he will soon learn... Idol contestants who show their fans no love... quickly receive that NO LOVE right back. SCORE: 60.

3) GINA - I am still not sold on Gina, but this was clearly her best performance (perhaps of the season to come too?). This was the first song I felt as if she was not a rockgrrl poseur or a forced adult-contemporary crooner. As good as she was, and as vulnerable as she sang, I have to wonder if this is as good as Gina Glocksen is ever going to get however. SCORE: 85.

4) SANJAYA - To everyone's shock, Sanjaya did not sing No Doubt's smash hit single, "Just A Girl". However, what in the fuck was with that hair? Was it me, or did Sanjaya's "pony hawk" make him look like the mascot on the Kellogg's Corn Flakes cereal boxes. Performance wise, he was still not atrocious, just aight, BUT... Randy and Paula did raise a point. At this stage, to still be mediocre in song and power, but being THIS outrageous with hairstyle and wardrobe, almost makes it seem as if Sanjaya is poking as much fun at Idol as Chris Sligh is... and THAT, my readers, is a cardinal Idol sin. SCORE: 69.

5) HALEY - Singing "True Colors", Haley proves yet again that she may not be the most "colorful" singer in the competition, but I know I am not alone in loving the simplistic beauty in this girl's voice. I can't quite put my finger on why I wanna advocate for Haley Scarnato now, but she has SOMETHING that had me voting for her a few hundred times last night. Maybe it's spite. Because the judges are always WAY too hard on her... when they should be slamming the guys harder... I almost feel like I vote so hard for Haley just to prove them wrong... and so far... it seems I am not alone in this. I like Haley Scarnato damnit! SCORE: 84.

6) PHIL - We all know I hate Phil Stacey, and have since day one practically. One of the reasons I hate him so much is that he is a bonehead. Case in point: He actually had me LIKING his performance of "Every Breath You Take" for the first 2/3 of it. He had all of his annoying trademark caterwauling under control and actually turned in better vocals on his (previously non-existent) lower register. But then again, he IS a bonehead, so he blows the last 25 seconds of the song, by screeching and yelling, and doing that Taylor Hicks-esque head cock to the side that pisses me off... and proceeds to ruin the moment for me. Burn in hell, Phil Stacey, and take your simpy wife with you, because I am so sick of looking at her too. SCORE: 69.

7) MELINDA - "Heaven Knows" is not one of my favorite Donna Summer joints, and STILL Melinda Doolittle seems to breathe new life into it. See that LaKisha, THAT is how you sing Donna Summer! Now if only we could breathe more excitement into Melinda herself... because at THIS key stage in the competition, she needs to up her game, or else face getting overpassed by the true showmen of the competition, Jordin and Blake, whom ironically follow Melinda in the lineup tonight. I still maintain that Melinda is ready for a CD today, but if she wants that disc to sell, she needs to start bringing more personality to Idol immediately. SCORE: 92.

8) BLAKE - Oh Blake, I WILL always love you. At this point, you could come on stage and burp and fart, but as long as you did it with some modern reggae or ska or trancey beat behind you, I would be in your corner. I love how the judges JUST realized that Blake is the frontrunner of the guys (I think THE FOURTH JUDGE called this week one... OF SEMIFINALS!!) and that he belongs in the finale (I think THE FOURTH JUDGE called this week two... OF SEMIFINALS!!). He's not the best male voice in the show's history, but hell, who cares. He has been the ONLY singer besides Chris Daughtry last year to breathe NEW LIFE into this now tiring warhorse of a show. This guy has something, that elusive "it" factor, that is going to sell records. He must be psyched, because no matter where Blake ends up on THIS SHOW, he has to know on some level, his future is now set. SCORE: 90.

9) JORDIN - I understand where Jordin was going with this song choice. Having completely NAILED her last two songs, she wanted to show America that she is still a modern contender and artist in her own right, and not simply a young wunderkind who sings really awesome karaoke. That was the good news. The bad news was, I didn't really think she did that great of a job tonight. I mean, I went from a dropped jaw and a body full of goosebumpy skin last week, to sitting there thinking about my boyfriend and how much ice cream is in my freezer this week. So because SHE dropped in excitement, I must drop her in the scores. (Although technically she has one of the best odds of winning this thing overall lately). SCORE: 83.

10) CHRIS RICHARDSON - "Don't Speak" always has been and always will be a very personal song for me... based on what was going on with my life at the time No Doubt released it, and therefore is both an exciting choice and a dangerous choice for an Idol to cover. I presume the nature of the lyrics make this statement true for a LOT of other fans out there. The bad news is that Chris Richardson is certainly no Gwen Stefani when it comes to delivering a song to the masses. The good news is that he did a very capable job of putting his OWN spin on this song, and may very well have turned in HIS best performance thusfar this season... because at last he got the "nasal" thing under control and the vocal gymnastics were subdued, making his performance way more controlled. I actually loved this song on him, and I wasn't sure I would. This definitely should redeem him in the eyes of the retarded fans that had HIM sitting in the Bottom Two last week, while PowderVulcanConeheadSinging Penis and SanGAYa and Gina Gershonadyke sat pretty and safe. SCORE: 94.